Umm hello? Yes, hello? Can everyone hear me? Testing one two… oh you can hear me. Good. Ah-hem. Good evening. My name is Professor Milton Henson, and today I will be giving a presentation on what we at the “Erroneous Institute for the Extraordinarily Innovative and Obfuscated” or “EIEIO” as we like to call ourselves have been working on.
Ah-hem. In recent years there has been a minor threat plaguing humanity. This threat, though small, could if our figures are correct, expand exponentially into a major problem. This threat is of course, as I’m sure you well know, the rise in population of the American Free Range Wandering Zombie or AFRWZ.
The American Free Range Wandering Zombie is unique in that, unlike other species of zombies such as Gibson’s Casual Lurker and the Suburban Drunk, the American Free Range Wandering Zombie is not prone to spend all of its natural death in one habitat. Rather, the AFRWZ will, as its name implies, wander about into the wilderness or into populated areas. This tendency to travel is a reason to be concerned in and of itself, as the general population cannot tell the difference between a American Free Range Wandering Zombie and a half-starved hobo. Concerned citizens would come to what appears to be a shuffling old man and unfortunately get bitten, resulting in loss of limb, or in some cases, death.
According to our research, ex… excuse me, could we go to the next slide? Yes, thank you. According to our research, the American Free Range Wandering Zombie has a very unusual origin. Simply, it does not follow three normal methods of zombification.
The first method, as portrayed by these pictures… yes gruesome aren’t they. Notice the small bits of flesh hanging of the corners of their feet. It shows that they haven’t been properly bound to their skin, and are wearing out as they massacre the populace. Anyway, this is of topic, where was I? Oh yes. The first method of zombification is “Frankinstonian Revival”, where any number of corpses are taken, stitched together, and brought back to life via a large amount of electricity. This procedure is most often used by a scientist of the mad persuasion. It can, however, be replicated by anyone with mild sewing talent, some knowledge of biology, and one hundred fifty seven thousand volts of electricity. This method is useful in that, if you have the time to wait for your zombie hoard, it can produce a large amount of fairly durable zombies known as “Frankys”. If trained correctly, a “Franky” can be useful for any number of tasks around the home, garden, and repressive community.
The second way of producing a zombie is the rather simplistic method of voodoo ritual. This method produces what is called as a “Cuttmen’s Raiser”, a zombie taken fresh from the tomb. This method is very easy to do and as such, no one can remember how to do it. But we have documentation that it was done, and so… there you go.
The third and by far most common way to create a zombie is by treating the intended zombification subject to large amount of repetitive menial tasks. After so much time the subject begins to rot and smell faintly of beaver musk. Then, on a full bathroom break, the subject will lose all capacity for thought and become a zombie, wandering around without pants. This method has been debated a length with our fellow department “Rock Psychology” as a method of becoming a golem, but at the current time it remains in the field of “Undead Documentation.”
The creation of the American Free Range Wandering Zombie, however, appears to be entirely natural. In our tests, we have discovered that it is not an outside life force moving the American Free Range Wandering Zombie’s body, but a chemical in their brain. After death, some brains react to the ceasing of body function and release a virulent chemical. As far as we’ve discovered, this chemical, without the help of a blood stream, travels across the body and forces it to continue to survive. It moves the muscles, mends wounds; basically, it does anything one needs to do to in order to obtain its prime objective, meat. It can be likened a tiny alien taking control of your body and using it to do stuff, like fix its space craft or abduct cattle. While this chemical is running rampant, the body needs no sustenance, despite the AFRWZs rambunctious efforts to procure meat. There have been some rather distressing examples of the American Free Range Wandering Zombie brought in that apparently hadn’t eaten in quite some time. One such example had wandered into a back country road and had been hit by a car, losing its lower half. The zombie laid on the edge of the road for weeks before we were called, unable to move from its position. It soon became literally nothing more than skin and bones. Here’s a picture. Hmmm can we please have someone help the poor gentleman in the front, I believe he’s feeling poorly. And have someone bring a mop.
Yes, hmm. As you can see from this picture the entire bottom half of the body has been torn off and all of the organs have fallen out. If you look here and here you can see that the muscles leading to the arms have been severed, rendering them useless. However, dismissing the skull fracture, the head is in perfectly fine shape. The brain is completely undamaged. This and other evidence has brought us here at EIEIO to the conclusion that unless the brain is injured by an external force, an AFRWZ will continue existing. Even with no form of body control, and no possible way to obtain food, an American Free Range Wandering Zombie will remain animate.
This leads us to the question, if the zombie needs nothing to survive, why then does it seek food? What is the purpose, exactly, of this chemical? Without becoming an American Free Range Wandering Zombie ourselves and writing down our experiences, which I assure you none of us are trying to do; there can be no definite way to know. However, my esteemed college Dr. James Gustier has hypothesized on this idea. With his ideas we have come to the conclusion at this point that the chemical is a last ditch effort of the body to “save itself and continue on life as normal when life is no longer an option”. It is an evolution of the survival instinct. Rather, the next step in our bodies fight to preserve ourselves.
This begs the question: why is it now, in the past ten years, that this form of zombie has come into existence? The long answer is very confusing, so I didn’t bother reading it. However, I had someone summarize it for me and they said that it said, in short, “We don’t know, maybe there’s something in the water.” I find this conclusive, and we will move on.
The hugely disturbing fact is that the American Free Range Wandering Zombie form of zombieism is spreading. The AFRWZ has a poison in its spittle that after being bitten causes a person too slowly, and we believe painfully, die. Can I get the next slide please? Thank you. After death the person bitten by the American Free Range Wandering Zombie will return to this world as an American Free Range Wandering Zombie, therefore spreading the contagion. Despite efforts to halt the spread, there are enough naturally occurring first stage AFRWZs that such efforts have so far been proven futile.
Until the cause behind this zombification is known, it is crucial that how to deal with an outbreak of American Free Range Wandering Zombies is taught to the public. To help with this, we here at EIEIO have created a lovely flowchart about how to correctly deal with American Free Range Wandering Zombies.
Step one, it you see a American Free Range Wandering Zombie, contact your nearest police or zombie hunting establishment.
If you cannot do so, then you will need to deal with it yourself.
If you are alone, just say no. Walk away and find a friend or business associate with which you can slay the zombie together.
Always aim for the head, a hit to any other area of the body may slow it down, but will not stop it. You must get to the brain. Once damaged, the zombie should return to the form of a crumpled corpse.
Under no condition should you put your hand or any other body part near the zombie’s mouth. As I have said, the zombie is poisonous and tends to bite.
The most important thing to remember is to not panic. It spreads confusion and will likely attract other American Free Range wait what? Excuse me for a moment. … what?... … now!... yes of course… but… … yes yes yes. Ah-hem. I have a small announcement to make. It seems some of the zombies we have here at the institute for testing have escaped, and are now lurching rampant across the campus. If you would please line up in an orderly fashion and OH GODS THERES ONE NOW!
*the rest of Professor Milton’s lecture “On the Study of Modern Zombies” seems to have been destroyed in the resulting chaos, and is lost to society. No one from the lecture was ever seen again, except one girl, found curled up in a janitor’s closet muttering the nursery rhyme “Old McDonald” to herself over and over again. She is currently a patient at St. Bethels Home for the Mildly Insane and is unavailable for questioning.
Ah-hem. In recent years there has been a minor threat plaguing humanity. This threat, though small, could if our figures are correct, expand exponentially into a major problem. This threat is of course, as I’m sure you well know, the rise in population of the American Free Range Wandering Zombie or AFRWZ.
The American Free Range Wandering Zombie is unique in that, unlike other species of zombies such as Gibson’s Casual Lurker and the Suburban Drunk, the American Free Range Wandering Zombie is not prone to spend all of its natural death in one habitat. Rather, the AFRWZ will, as its name implies, wander about into the wilderness or into populated areas. This tendency to travel is a reason to be concerned in and of itself, as the general population cannot tell the difference between a American Free Range Wandering Zombie and a half-starved hobo. Concerned citizens would come to what appears to be a shuffling old man and unfortunately get bitten, resulting in loss of limb, or in some cases, death.
According to our research, ex… excuse me, could we go to the next slide? Yes, thank you. According to our research, the American Free Range Wandering Zombie has a very unusual origin. Simply, it does not follow three normal methods of zombification.
The first method, as portrayed by these pictures… yes gruesome aren’t they. Notice the small bits of flesh hanging of the corners of their feet. It shows that they haven’t been properly bound to their skin, and are wearing out as they massacre the populace. Anyway, this is of topic, where was I? Oh yes. The first method of zombification is “Frankinstonian Revival”, where any number of corpses are taken, stitched together, and brought back to life via a large amount of electricity. This procedure is most often used by a scientist of the mad persuasion. It can, however, be replicated by anyone with mild sewing talent, some knowledge of biology, and one hundred fifty seven thousand volts of electricity. This method is useful in that, if you have the time to wait for your zombie hoard, it can produce a large amount of fairly durable zombies known as “Frankys”. If trained correctly, a “Franky” can be useful for any number of tasks around the home, garden, and repressive community.
The second way of producing a zombie is the rather simplistic method of voodoo ritual. This method produces what is called as a “Cuttmen’s Raiser”, a zombie taken fresh from the tomb. This method is very easy to do and as such, no one can remember how to do it. But we have documentation that it was done, and so… there you go.
The third and by far most common way to create a zombie is by treating the intended zombification subject to large amount of repetitive menial tasks. After so much time the subject begins to rot and smell faintly of beaver musk. Then, on a full bathroom break, the subject will lose all capacity for thought and become a zombie, wandering around without pants. This method has been debated a length with our fellow department “Rock Psychology” as a method of becoming a golem, but at the current time it remains in the field of “Undead Documentation.”
The creation of the American Free Range Wandering Zombie, however, appears to be entirely natural. In our tests, we have discovered that it is not an outside life force moving the American Free Range Wandering Zombie’s body, but a chemical in their brain. After death, some brains react to the ceasing of body function and release a virulent chemical. As far as we’ve discovered, this chemical, without the help of a blood stream, travels across the body and forces it to continue to survive. It moves the muscles, mends wounds; basically, it does anything one needs to do to in order to obtain its prime objective, meat. It can be likened a tiny alien taking control of your body and using it to do stuff, like fix its space craft or abduct cattle. While this chemical is running rampant, the body needs no sustenance, despite the AFRWZs rambunctious efforts to procure meat. There have been some rather distressing examples of the American Free Range Wandering Zombie brought in that apparently hadn’t eaten in quite some time. One such example had wandered into a back country road and had been hit by a car, losing its lower half. The zombie laid on the edge of the road for weeks before we were called, unable to move from its position. It soon became literally nothing more than skin and bones. Here’s a picture. Hmmm can we please have someone help the poor gentleman in the front, I believe he’s feeling poorly. And have someone bring a mop.
Yes, hmm. As you can see from this picture the entire bottom half of the body has been torn off and all of the organs have fallen out. If you look here and here you can see that the muscles leading to the arms have been severed, rendering them useless. However, dismissing the skull fracture, the head is in perfectly fine shape. The brain is completely undamaged. This and other evidence has brought us here at EIEIO to the conclusion that unless the brain is injured by an external force, an AFRWZ will continue existing. Even with no form of body control, and no possible way to obtain food, an American Free Range Wandering Zombie will remain animate.
This leads us to the question, if the zombie needs nothing to survive, why then does it seek food? What is the purpose, exactly, of this chemical? Without becoming an American Free Range Wandering Zombie ourselves and writing down our experiences, which I assure you none of us are trying to do; there can be no definite way to know. However, my esteemed college Dr. James Gustier has hypothesized on this idea. With his ideas we have come to the conclusion at this point that the chemical is a last ditch effort of the body to “save itself and continue on life as normal when life is no longer an option”. It is an evolution of the survival instinct. Rather, the next step in our bodies fight to preserve ourselves.
This begs the question: why is it now, in the past ten years, that this form of zombie has come into existence? The long answer is very confusing, so I didn’t bother reading it. However, I had someone summarize it for me and they said that it said, in short, “We don’t know, maybe there’s something in the water.” I find this conclusive, and we will move on.
The hugely disturbing fact is that the American Free Range Wandering Zombie form of zombieism is spreading. The AFRWZ has a poison in its spittle that after being bitten causes a person too slowly, and we believe painfully, die. Can I get the next slide please? Thank you. After death the person bitten by the American Free Range Wandering Zombie will return to this world as an American Free Range Wandering Zombie, therefore spreading the contagion. Despite efforts to halt the spread, there are enough naturally occurring first stage AFRWZs that such efforts have so far been proven futile.
Until the cause behind this zombification is known, it is crucial that how to deal with an outbreak of American Free Range Wandering Zombies is taught to the public. To help with this, we here at EIEIO have created a lovely flowchart about how to correctly deal with American Free Range Wandering Zombies.
Step one, it you see a American Free Range Wandering Zombie, contact your nearest police or zombie hunting establishment.
If you cannot do so, then you will need to deal with it yourself.
If you are alone, just say no. Walk away and find a friend or business associate with which you can slay the zombie together.
Always aim for the head, a hit to any other area of the body may slow it down, but will not stop it. You must get to the brain. Once damaged, the zombie should return to the form of a crumpled corpse.
Under no condition should you put your hand or any other body part near the zombie’s mouth. As I have said, the zombie is poisonous and tends to bite.
The most important thing to remember is to not panic. It spreads confusion and will likely attract other American Free Range wait what? Excuse me for a moment. … what?... … now!... yes of course… but… … yes yes yes. Ah-hem. I have a small announcement to make. It seems some of the zombies we have here at the institute for testing have escaped, and are now lurching rampant across the campus. If you would please line up in an orderly fashion and OH GODS THERES ONE NOW!
*the rest of Professor Milton’s lecture “On the Study of Modern Zombies” seems to have been destroyed in the resulting chaos, and is lost to society. No one from the lecture was ever seen again, except one girl, found curled up in a janitor’s closet muttering the nursery rhyme “Old McDonald” to herself over and over again. She is currently a patient at St. Bethels Home for the Mildly Insane and is unavailable for questioning.
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